I’m not sure why I’m writing this, but perhaps it will be helpful to someone. Now that the incident is over and I’ve moved on.
After three and a half years of marriage, I learned of my wife’s affair in February 2018. I worked a contract job that occasionally required a lot of travel but also permitted me to work from home when I returned. As a director of a technical sales company, my wife held a very lucrative position. Although things had become a little strained due to her working longer and longer hours and me traveling for work, we still had what I would call a fairly excellent marriage.
Five years ago, at a cookout hosted by a mutual acquaintance, I met my wife, who is now my ex. We immediately clicked. To be honest, I felt that being with a woman who was so attractive and articulate was a huge advantage. My rough-around-the-edges demeanor somehow appealed to her. After a few weeks of dating, we found ourselves smitten with one another. After 18 months, we eventually got married and moved into a large apartment while saving for a down payment on a home.
Things began to change after the first three years of marriage. Even though I still had feelings for her, I noticed that she would argue over little matters. When I mentioned all the late hours and the increasingly regular work outings, she would grow irate. Since she had been moving up the corporate ladder, she claimed that it was a necessary component of “paying the dues.” She informed me that since I was also away for weeks at a time, I had no right to challenge her. In reality, I had only been taking trips for three or four days every five weeks or so, so I assured her that I could definitely manage cutting back on my travel time. There was never a conclusion to these highly circular arguments.
Looking back, I realized that I was unaware that my wife was having an affair. Aside from our declining sexual life and her persistently late work hours, I would never have suspected anything. I simply assumed that she was exhausted from her job, but being rejected so often had taken a toll on my ego.
Around September 2017, Cathy began returning home from work and spending the evening at a “work engagement” instead. This increased from one night per week to over three nights each week.
The first time I suspected she was cheating was a month prior to D-Day. Before returning home, she had made a brief stop at the supermarket. I was asked to assist her with the groceries. As I was retrieving a few items from the rear seat of her automobile, something pink was glinting from just beneath the front passenger seat. It was a bra that belonged to my wife. I knew it was hers because she preferred ones from a certain clothing store.
Looking back, I can see the bra was a warning sign. She always removes her bra first from under her clothes when she’s feeling very lustful. When I saw this, I felt sick to my stomach. I couldn’t understand why her bra was beneath the seat. My heart must have been pounding so hard that I nearly passed out because when I brought the bags back to the kitchen, Cathy asked me how I was feeling and said that I appeared to have seen a ghost. I simply ignored her remark. It took everything I had to conceal my emotions.
I made the decision to try to find out whether or not she was seeing someone.
D-Day
I decided to temporarily put the affair idea out of my mind and consider giving her more of my attention. One Friday after work, I prepared a delicious meal and arranged the dining table with elegant plates, silverware, and candles. I purchased an arrangement of flowers and a lovely bottle of wine.
When she arrived, breezing in after work as usual, I pointed out the dinner and everything I had made. She apologized and said she was sorry, but she had to go to a neighborhood hangout to meet up with her co-workers. She mentioned that she needed to take a shower first but that she could have a small snack with me before she left.
I guess I went utterly silent because my insides flipped on me. I had had enough. While she was taking a shower, I took my work cell phone and threw it in her back seat. I had been considering this as a means of using my own phone to find her. After that, I walked into the kitchen and threw the food and flowers in the garbage.
After taking a shower, she got ready and looked stunning as always. “All right, let’s eat,” she said.
“Never mind. Go out with your friends,” I urged.
She asked me if I was angry after giving me a weird look. “I’m sad that you never want to do anything with me,” I said.
She got upset and sarcastically remarked on my short fuse, telling me to stop acting like a kid. “Foolish me,” I muttered as I stood there, allowing everything to settle in. “For once, I felt we should spend the evening together.”
She simply gave me a sly smile and stormed off.
When she departed, I pulled out my second phone and began following my work phone. I caught her stopping about 20 minutes away, at the bar she often visits with her co-workers. I made the decision to go find her automobile. Indeed, it was in the parking lot. I waited in my car across the street. I felt like a stalker, but I had to calm my fear of her whereabouts.
About an hour after I got there, I observed her leaving the bar with a man. He had the appearance of an executive from her company. He took hold of her, drew her near, and planted a kiss on her lips. My body was totally numb, and my stomach started to clench up. They went to a different vehicle and climbed in together. When their automobile pulled out, I tried to keep up with them.
You guessed it. They drove to a hotel 10 minutes away. As I stopped on the street beside the hotel, I saw them exit, holding hands, and enter. I’d seen enough. I felt foolish. I began pounding the steering wheel with my fist. That was it. Something went totally blank inside of me.
The Escape
I simply began to drive out of town, replaying all that I had just seen. I was crying out of anger, as much as I hate to admit it. I located a pleasant little tavern on the outskirts of town, some 30 miles away, and stopped in. I ordered a drink while seated at the bar.
The bartender, a lady, said that I looked like someone had taken the wind out of my sails. “You could say that,” I answered, half-smiling.
A man sat down beside me and struck up a discussion. Even though I didn’t feel like talking, there was something about this guy that put me at ease. Eventually, my wife’s infidelity came up. I told him that all I wanted to do was get away from her and forget about her.
“You’re not alone, buddy,” he replied, giving me a pat on the back. “I experienced that a few years ago. I think there’s a reason why these things occur. Your life can now take a positive or negative turn. I assure you, at this point, everything is totally up to you.”
His remarks, for some reason, jolted me out of my gloom. We identified ourselves. Ray was his name. I really liked his salt-of-the-earth vibe.
“Are you going to move out?” he inquired.
“I suppose. I never thought to look that far ahead.” I had a fight-or-flight response going on, and I knew I didn’t want to be around this woman any longer.
“I have an idea, and I feel very sympathetic to your situation,” Ray added. “When the time comes, I have a mobile trailer on my land in case you feel the need to go. It might require some work and isn’t very good. Why don’t you visit and see if you could imagine yourself briefly residing in anything like that? I’ll give you a terrific bargain on it. At least you could even park it on a lovely piece of property I own. I would appreciate it if you could watch it for me. It could be beneficial to escape your predicament. Just a thought.”
Perhaps this was just what I needed. “Yes, I’ll think about it and maybe check it out,” I said to Ray. After a while, we split up and agreed to get together at his house in a few days. I began to feel as though I had some perspective and an opportunity to escape.
I knew one thing for sure: I would never, ever want to spend time with my wife again. I find cheating to be so disgusting, and it has always been the one thing I thought I would never put up with.
When I arrived home that evening, Cathy asked me where I had been. “Where have you been?” I questioned, turning to face her.
“You know, I went to grab drinks,” she said.
I directly inquired, “Are you having an affair?”
She appeared surprised, but she soon collected herself and responded, “No. Why would you ask me that?”
I informed her that I had heard she might be seeing someone at work. “Who told you that?” she said.
“Someone I know,” I said, but I kept the name a secret.
After saying, “You’re being ridiculous,” she accused me of being intoxicated and insane. “We’re going to a bar to enjoy some drinks with our friends,” I remarked. Despite her obvious desire to ask more questions, she returned to our bedroom and went to bed.
Now that I had proof she had been deceiving me for months, I made the decision to sleep on the sofa. I couldn’t sleep at all because I kept seeing her in bed with this guy. I felt sorry for myself, disgusted, and hurt. But then I thought about Ray’s trailer. The thought of it cheered me up.
We didn’t talk much the following morning and carried on with the weekend as if nothing had occurred. I scheduled a meeting with Ray a few days later. The trailer was actually quite nice, about 26 feet long and fully furnished. Ray accepted the money I offered him for it. After he gave me directions, I drove over to see his ranch property. The area was lovely, with lots of trees, and hiking and biking paths close by. Ray had a little cabin on a hilltop overlooking the property, with electricity and water accessible for the trailer. Ray promised to set up the trailer for me and pull it to the location.
I tried to get Cathy to come clean over the course of the following few weeks, but all I got was gaslighting. I even bluntly warned her that there would be no turning back if I discovered she was cheating. As a result, she became even more engrossed in her affair and began to lash out at me with denials. I nearly laughed at how awful the denial was.
I decided that I wanted to leave this marriage. Instead of communicating my feelings to Cathy, I simply began planning. While she was at work, I started quietly removing my possessions from the apartment and transferring them to the trailer. At least I felt like I was doing something about it.
Cathy informed me that the next week she would be traveling for work. I had the ideal opportunity to move out entirely. When she was gone, I collected everything valuable that was mine. I didn’t take any shared goods or furniture. I left a note before I left. It was a lengthy explanation at first, but I chose to make it brief. I wrote, “I hope it was worth it,” on a piece of paper. On top of the note on the kitchen table, I set my wedding ring.
I felt like a great weight had been lifted as I left. I was liberated. The hurt would take time to heal, but I had started. I needed time to myself and to swiftly and quietly get rid of her. She disregarded everything we owned. There was no turning back. I owed her absolutely nothing.
The Aftermath and Updates
Cathy texted things like, “We just landed,” and “We’re having a team dinner,” while she was away. “Where are you?” was the question in a few messages. “Why haven’t you gotten back to me?” I didn’t answer.
My phone exploded with calls and texts when she got home. She kept trying to get in touch with me, but I ignored her. Her mother also tried to phone me, but I didn’t pick up.
Her messages grew more urgent after she was ignored for a week. “What is this?” was one of the texts she sent. “We must speak. I’m not sure what you believe you know, but nothing is happening. There isn’t an affair going on.”
She finally texted me after a week of not answering, saying, “I’m sorry things got out of hand. It didn’t matter that I was involved with someone at work. You were absent a lot while I was preoccupied with my work. I simply made an error. I intended to terminate it.”
An error? I had been waiting for this confession all along, yet somehow it only made me detest her more. Why was she unable to be truthful? Errors don’t persist for six, eight, or a year. Her pleas for me to return and work on the marriage eventually grew pitiful. I refused to respond.
She then began sending nasty texts like, “You’re a coward.” “You refused to speak to me.” “You have no regard for us.” “Come home, please, so we can discuss.” “Where are you? I am able to visit you.” “Paul, please let’s chat and make things right, damn it.” They all appeared to be excuses with minimal genuine regret. After a while, I switched my mobile number.
In June 2018, I received an email from Cathy informing me that she had hired a lawyer and was going to file for divorce. I just said, “Okay, that sounds good.” This led to a barrage of emails requesting that I visit her. She wrote that she would stop bothering me if I consented to an uncontested divorce. After I consented, I was genuinely free.
A few months after I moved out, I never had to see her again. I would occasionally think of her, and yes, the grief would suddenly come to me, like when I heard a song we used to enjoy. After a while, though, I simply stopped thinking about her.
Update Two
Now that I’m officially divorced, things are going great. In actuality, I got to know a wonderful girl just down the hill from my house. I was running on the trail, and we clicked when I helped her replace a flat tire. She refers to me as her “Mountain Man” and adores my way of life. Although I’m not in a rush to commit, I also don’t intend to give up on women entirely. I have no intention of moving out of the trailer anytime soon. I enjoy being outside and have simplified my life. It made everything easier for me, including the grief over my ex-wife.
Third Update
I went into town this past weekend to get groceries and made a stop at my normal coffee establishment. I was on my way to my pickup when I heard someone shout, “Paul!” When I turned to look across the street, I saw Cathy. My ex-wife was waving at me. Finally, Armageddon had arrived.
She hurried across the street toward me, and I stood there in disbelief. She walked over and extended her hand as though anticipating an embrace. I stopped her in her tracks by instinctively holding out my arms with my palms up. She appeared to be in severe pain.
“I’ve been searching for you, Paul,” she said. “I’ve wanted to see you since I heard you moved here. Can we have a conversation?”
I felt like an animal confined in a cage. “All right,” I finally gave in. “Let’s find a table or something, and we can talk for a minute.” When she asked if we could go to my house, I firmly refused.
She began by remarking on how much I had changed and how much she liked my new appearance. She was really putting on the charm. I had my radar set high. She was clearly attempting to activate the sex appeal.
She began by saying she was sorry about the affair. She claimed that after I left, karma had severely impacted her. When her employer learned of the affair, the situation became so tense that she eventually resigned. Her affair partner, who at the time was engaged, received criticism and was transferred to a different department. After he blamed her for everything, she told his fiancée the truth, which caused them to split up.
This is when she bowed her head and began to weep. I didn’t say anything.
“What do you want from me?” I asked.
She assured me that she had no intention of having an affair. She stated that the company’s politics and positioning drew her in and that her affair partner used his charm and influence to corrupt her. She acknowledged that she felt she was taking advantage of him as much as he was taking advantage of her. She stated that she intended to come clean after I accused her of cheating. She drank after work to ease the guilt she felt because she loathed herself. She claimed that she felt so stupid, so alone, and as if her heart had burst with loss immediately after I departed. She ended her relationship with her affair partner right away. She believed she had to find me to see if there was any chance of reconciliation.
I simply gazed at her. Then I gave it to her. “You have no right to come out here and undo all the harm you have done. Do you think I’ll overlook everything you did to destroy our union? As I previously stated, we were done if you cheated. Forgiveness does not exist. This relationship will not be restarted. You murdered it as soon as you left me. You ruined everything we had. How foolish do you believe me to be? One evening, I watched you enter a hotel with him. Were you aware of that?”
I became aware that my voice had been getting louder. She grabbed my arm and started crying. After letting her sob on my shoulder for a while, I pushed her away.
“I deserve all this,” she replied, glancing up at me. “If nothing else, would you allow me to take you out to dinner?”
“I’d rather not go.”
“I would like to speak further. I want to make sure that we are transparent about everything. You need to spend more time with me than you have in the past. Paul, please. I love you so much. Before you left me, I had no idea how much I loved you. You broke me as much as I broke you. I’m unable to forgive myself, and I don’t want to do so till the day I pass away.”
She began to sob uncontrollably. I lifted her up and gave her a hug. It seemed like my only option for soothing her. I knew then that I had shattered her heart as severely as she had shattered mine.
We ultimately decided to have dinner at a charming little spot with a patio. We had a good conversation. I then escorted her to her vehicle. She insisted that she hadn’t dated anyone else since I left and vowed fervently that I was the only person she wanted.
“No,” I informed her. “It’s still way too early for me to go down that road.”
She pleaded with me to come back, but I didn’t say yes. After giving her my new email address, my response to her request for my phone number was, “You’ll just blow it up with texts and calls.” She wept over it but, in the end, agreed with my choice.
Before she left, I asked her directly, “Would you have forgiven me if I had been the one cheating?”
“Yes,” she responded after pausing to reflect. “In time. But only if we saw a marriage counselor and worked through the healing process with lots of talking.”
“All right,” I answered. “Maybe I could do that in five or ten years.”
“I would wait if that’s what it would take,” she replied. She then took both of my hands in hers, looked me in the eye, and said, “Goddamn it, Paul, I will always love you and will do anything to prove it.”
Her remarks continued to upset me even after she left. However, I was still unable to envision us reuniting.
Last Update
This will be my final update. In summary, I ghosted my ex-wife for more than a year before she discovered me. She wanted to make amends and start over. You will be deeply disappointed if you thought I would be the typical beta, blue-pilled fool and forgive her.
She expressed her love and regret for the affair in a lengthy email she sent me last week. She offered to come out and stay with me for the weekend once more. My answer? I silenced her. I informed her that I had no plans to make amends. I’m totally happy living alone, taking advantage of my secluded position, and keeping things simple. At 32, I’m not in a rush to make changes.
I made it clear in my email response that I had no intention of reconciling and declined to provide her with my phone number. “I no longer know or trust you because you made your bed. I hope the best for you, and perhaps we might become friends in the future, but not right now.”
She was annoyed by my evasiveness and responded in a telling way. She acknowledged that she had taken a job offer from a different state. Her true goal had been for me to accompany her. She wished we could start over somewhere new. Luckily for me, her time was up because I had a week of business travel scheduled.
I’m grateful I will no longer have her in my life. She will soon recognize that her time with me is over, but I anticipate receiving a few more emails. She’ll need to find someone else, and she might even cheat on them.
To anyone reading this, make the most of your life. Let go of the past and give yourself the strength to go on. To all of you, good luck.