I am a 41-year-old stay-at-home mom. My husband, Paul, 48, works in finance. We have been married for nearly 20 years and have two kids: Eric, our 18-year-old son, and Mary, our 15-year-old daughter. My marriage has grown stale over the years, partly due to his work schedule and how I’ve aged since we first met.
Our son, Eric, has a girlfriend, Amy, whom he’s been dating since they were freshmen. Eric adores Amy; she’s his first love, and I’ve always considered her family. This makes the whole situation excruciating.
Last week, I glanced at my husband’s phone and saw a text thread between him and Amy. I read a message from her telling him she missed eating his sausage. I froze, in complete disbelief. Over the next several days, my world unraveled. I found a file on his computer filled with BDSM porn, confirming a clear addiction. He had also saved photos of Amy from her Instagram. Though she was fully clothed, it was proof that I wasn’t going crazy. Looking at his phone again, I saw more of their interactions. I wish I had never looked.
It wasn’t just the betrayal; it was the way they spoke about me. Paul had taken the insecurities I’d confided in him and turned them into cruel jokes for his and Amy’s amusement. He called me fat and old, constantly comparing me to her. In one exchange, he wrote, “Can you believe she tried to wear that dress last night? Looked like a sausage trying to burst its casing.” Amy replied with laughing emojis, adding, “She’s so old, she probably thinks it’s still in style.”
They called me boring, dull, and predictable. “Being with her is like living in slow motion,” he texted. Amy replied, “LOL, you need someone who can keep up with you, not slow you down.” It was as if I wasn’t even a person to them. The betrayal was a double-edged sword, his and hers, cutting deep.
I’ve had paranoid feelings that Paul was cheating before. Last month, I found a thong in our bedroom that wasn’t mine or my daughter’s. I naively ignored it. But this… this was unimaginable. He’s not only cheating on me, but he’s betraying our son.
I started noticing unusual behavior from him around the time Amy turned 18, five months ago. I suspect the affair started then, but his deleted texts make it hard to confirm. Was he waiting for her to be legal? The thought is sickening.
I am completely overwhelmed and terrified of the psychic blow this will be for my son. I don’t know who to turn to first. I share this story not for sympathy, but in search of understanding and advice.
Update One
Thank you for the overwhelming support. I’m trying to be strategic with this surreal and terrible situation.
My brother connected me with a tough lawyer. I have screenshots of the last three months of Paul and Amy’s conversations from iCloud. It was mostly flirty and dirty talk, hard to stomach, with several negative things said about me. His call history shows they talk for hours consistently. He also uses dating apps, and I have screenshots of his profiles and chats with matches, clearly filtered for girls aged 18-22. I copied all the files from his computer, revealing his activity on sex chat rooms and forums, and a significant amount of money spent on OnlyFans. I also found various BDSM toys and outfits in the house, including a schoolgirl uniform and a French maid outfit.
I picked up Eric and Mary from school and we drove to my brother’s. I delicately told them everything, breaking down in tears. Mary had the most anger, even more than Eric.
I met with Amy’s mother and told her everything. She confiscated Amy’s phone and gave me their entire chat log, which also only dated back three months. Amy sobbed when confronted, telling her mother she and Paul are in love and she’ll never understand. She insisted their friendship only recently became physical and that he had been a “friend and mentor” before that. This “mentorship” likely began when Eric started dating her as a freshman.
I confronted Paul over Zoom. The moment he appeared on screen, his face flushed and his eyes wild, I knew it would not be a calm discussion. “Context!” he blurted out, his voice loud and shaky. “You don’t understand the context.” He kept repeating the word like a mantra.
“I’ve seen the messages, Paul,” I said, trying to stay calm.
“None of that happened! You’re making things up!” he shouted, his face turning a deep shade of red. He slammed his fist on the desk, making the camera shake. “You have no right to take my kids away from me! You’re trying to ruin everything!”
His intensity was frightening. I realized I was dealing with someone who could be a danger. I ended the call, my heart pounding, and immediately called my lawyer to file for a restraining order.
My lawyer is filing for temporary sole custody of Mary. Mary is furious with her dad and Amy and is now recollecting moments when she felt he acted inappropriately with her friends. Eric is hurting but is strong and level-headed. He wants to see a therapist. He hasn’t spoken to Amy and I’m not sure if he ever will again. Both of us are getting tested.
Amy’s mom has told me that Amy is threatening to run away with Paul because they are in love. We have made the authorities aware. I plan on being unforgiving and ruthless in this divorce. I’ve been a shell of myself for 20 years because of him, and I will not let this scumbag get away with it.
Update Two
Thank you again for the love and encouragement. We’re all safe and still at my brother’s, whose house is very secure. Paul has tried to call me several times a day, but I am refusing to interact with him.
My son and I got checked out and tested; the rapid tests were clean, but we’re waiting on lab results. I’ve set up a therapy appointment for him next week. He’s not himself right now, a bit shell-shocked, and I can see this is wearing on him. Despite his own turmoil, his concern for me has been touching. He’s not interested in speaking with his dad at all.
I offered to make a therapy appointment for Mary as well, but she wants time to herself. She has been asking her friends about her dad, and apparently, they felt he stared a lot and had a “hovering presence.” One friend said she felt like he was “checking her out,” complimenting her yoga pants and asking if they were “popular girls.” I am completely embarrassed they had this experience in our house.
As for Amy, I agree that she is also a victim. Her mother has been updating me. Amy is still living in a deluded reality, believing they are in love. She refuses to see any doctors or therapists and has been constantly trying to reach Paul. He has been avoiding her completely. Amy blames me, believing I am controlling him. She refuses to believe the screenshots of his dating app profiles, saying I Photoshopped them. According to her mom, Amy keeps saying things like “everyone is just mad because she found herself a real man” and that I’m jealous.
I believe his grooming started as soon as she came into the picture freshman year. Her infatuation is so strong, it couldn’t possibly be from only five months of them being together. We can only hope she has an epiphany and opens up about when it all began. Since she is 18 and has no interest in saying anything that could put Paul in legal trouble, there is little that can be done.
Update Three
The divorce is very much underway. I have temporary custody of Mary, and Paul has to pay temporary child support. There’s a protective order in place. I am very confident that there is overwhelming evidence against Paul that will get him in serious trouble and will impact him for the rest of his life. Justice will come.
Eric has been to therapy twice. I know he is hurting internally, and we are doing everything we can to make sure he knows he is supported and loved. My brother and his wife have been amazing. Mary’s anger has mostly turned into sadness, and I hope I can get her to see a therapist soon.
I wish I had a better update on Amy, but it has gotten a lot worse. Despite her mother’s efforts, Amy has been seeing Paul. She insists she’s an adult and can do what she wants. There were some days where she would be gone for hours, sneaking out at night. Her mother feels trapped; if she kicks Amy out, she’ll just run to Paul permanently. I can’t help but feel a mix of anger and sorrow for Amy. She’s caught in this toxic cycle, believing she’s in a relationship when it’s clear she’s being used. I can only pray that she can get help and guidance when more hits the fan.