The Discovery
Hello everyone. I (43M) have been married to my wife (40F) for 16 years, and we have two children, a 9-year-old son and a 14-year-old daughter. For the last seven years, I’ve worked in engineering, while my wife has been a manager at a large advertising agency for three. Our careers have afforded us a nice life, and we’ve always tried to be a close family. I always thought I was a decent husband and father. I did everything for this woman, and it shook me to my core to discover she was having a long-term affair.
The last two years were the toughest. She seemed to enjoy nothing I did and would constantly compare me to her boss. “My boss would handle this differently,” she’d say, or “He knows how to make his wife feel special.” When I asked her how I could liven up our marriage, her usual response was, “Don’t ask. You should already know.” Desperate to make her happy, I read books and tried everything I could think of, but every attempt was met with half-hearted thanks or bitter disappointment. Little did I know, someone else was already “repairing” things.
We were very close to her boss and his wife. Our kids adored each other, and we often spent time together—barbecues, park trips, you name it. When I confided in her boss about our marital issues, he offered what seemed like wise counsel. He seemed like a great man.
The revelation began one night when my wife was laughing while messaging someone on her phone. I was next to her in bed and leaned over to see what was so funny. She fiercely pulled away. “What are you doing?” she snapped. When I told her I just wanted to know what the joke was, she said it was none of my business and stormed into the restroom. That was the day I knew, deep down, that something was wrong.
The next day, I made the mistake of confronting her directly. She was enraged and denied everything. When I asked to see her phone, she hesitated before handing it over, but only after deleting almost every text message she had sent to certain individuals. A month later, I had a friend retrieve the erased texts. I also discovered she had a second phone she rarely used. Through bits and pieces, I finally found proof of the affair, and you guessed it—it was with her boss. The affair had been going on for two years. I was a wreck. My only thought was how this would impact our children.
The Confrontation
I was still not ready to give up on the marriage. I even ordered a book titled How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair, hoping that if I showed it to her, she would stop. That Saturday, she told me there was an “emergency at work” and that I shouldn’t wait up. Of course, I called her office; they weren’t open on Saturdays. She didn’t answer her phone. She returned home around 2 a.m. on Sunday, showered immediately, and went to bed. When I questioned her, she just said she had already told me not to wait up.
Tired of the lies, I left the book I had purchased on her nightstand. She didn’t care. She didn’t care that I was in agony.
Desperate for stability, I reached out to her boss’s wife. Finding out the truth startled her as much as it did me. She wanted to confront her husband, but I advised her against it, suspecting he would just lie, as my wife had. We met at her house, and I showed her the meager evidence I had. We decided to work together to gather more proof. It was surprisingly easy on her end; her husband was so conceited he hadn’t bothered to delete the texts between him and my wife. The small notes I had discovered earlier finally made sense. They had slept together everywhere—her house, my house, fancy hotels, business trips. They even emailed each other pictures. Reading it all made me queasy.
We were both enraged and wanted retribution. We decided that if they wanted each other so badly, they could have each other. We each gathered divorce paperwork and prepared to blindside them, just as they had done to us.
Working with the boss’s wife, we knew the exact hotel they had booked for their “work weekend.” I went there with a sheriff. While he went up to their room, I waited in the lobby. My wife was called down. She appeared in a bathrobe, with, I suspect, nothing else on underneath. She was terrified and furiously asked what I was doing there. The sheriff confirmed her name and details and then served her with the divorce papers.
The startled expression on her face was deeply fulfilling. As I turned to leave, she grabbed my arm, insisting on knowing what this was all about. “You had an affair,” I told her, simplifying it. “And I’m leaving you.”
She began shouting, grabbing my arm so firmly the sheriff had to intervene. “I can explain!” she cried. “You have the wrong idea! It’s your fault!” I left quickly as my own anger began to rise. When her boss found out, he rushed home, only to be served with his own divorce papers
The Aftermath
Both my wife and her boss are fighting the divorces. The reasons I’ve heard are that they “never meant to leave their spouses,” it was “only a purely sexual affair,” and that they “messed up and would like a chance to make things right.” My wife claims she “isn’t that person anymore” and was just “following the flow.” People around me, including my own mother, are calling me horrible for not giving her another chance. But my children, who know what’s going on (in an age-appropriate way), are backing me 100%.
We still live in the same house, and my resolve is weakening. She’s reading the book I bought and attending therapy. She claims she is sorry and will do whatever it takes. But I can’t shake the feeling she’s only sorry she got caught. She has called me a “sour, angry person,” and while she apologizes for it later, I know that’s how she truly feels.
I still speak with the boss’s wife, and my wife detests it. She’s convinced I’m having a “vengeance affair.” She has insisted I stop all communication with her. It’s nuts. I told her we did nothing illegal, and I will not accept her point of view.
I respect nothing about her anymore. She is still actively trying to talk to me about her “process” concerning the affair, but I see it as justifications and ignore her. She wants me to go to therapy with her, but I refuse. She wants me to read books about infidelity with her, but what’s the point if we are divorcing anyway? She has tried to use sex to manipulate me, claiming she just wants to show me how much she loves me. “Love me now, you mean,” I corrected her.
I feel terribly guilty for treating her the way I do. Despite the hate, I still love her. Am I being unduly cruel? She is trying very hard, but I have no interest. People tell me I’m moving too quickly and that I will regret it. I’m not sure what is real anymore.
Update 1
I’m back. I’ve been getting a lot of messages asking for an update. First, my wife and I are in a decent state, but not because we are reconciling. I am still divorcing her. Her affair was far too long for me to recover from. If it had been a one-night stand, the story might be different, but two years is a slap in the face.
I still love her and I’m not a monster, so I have attended a few therapy sessions with her. One session was excellent and showed me that she truly regrets her actions. However, the second session was a catastrophe. Her anger at me for contacting the boss’s wife and her fear of a vengeance affair led to a huge argument. I am only attending these meetings to observe her improvement and help if necessary. Once the divorce is final, I will gracefully step away.
The boss’s wife is also still leaving her husband. He is contesting the divorce. She is as strong as I am, and we support each other through our low days. My children are doing well. They understand that we love them no less, and though they don’t want the divorce, they see why it’s necessary. My wife quit her job and has had no contact with her former boss. Seeing her work so hard to be a better person, I can understand why some people stay with adulterers. She’s not a monster; she’s just flawed and made terrible decisions. She recently begged for a chance to win me back after the divorce, even offering a postnup. It would be a long road for me to even consider that. For now, I want this divorce.
Update 2
My wife is terrified of a “revenge affair.” The other betrayed spouse is younger, a model, beautiful, and runs a profitable company. My wife’s insecurity is palpable. The nerve of her to give me the “two wrongs don’t make a right” lecture still astounds me. Every time I see the other woman, my wife becomes depressed or clingy. She has thrown herself at me several times to ensure I don’t cheat on her. I’ve turned down her advances, which only aggravates things.
Meanwhile, her OM (other man) is living in their vacation house, begging his wife to take him back. Seeing him suffer does bring me a small amount of satisfaction. My wife has been very contrite lately, lavishing me with a love I just push aside. Today is our therapy session, and I feel like releasing all the suffering and hurt I’ve gone through. My anger has become intolerable.
During our last therapy session, my wife asked for more time to win me back. For the first time, she was honest about why she had the affair, admitting there was no justification and that she would spend the rest of her life trying to make it up to me. She confessed her insecurities and how the affair fed her ego. The therapist asked what it would take for me to consider her offer. “A time machine,” I told her.
On the way home, my wife asked if her affair had made me feel emasculated. The question caught me off guard. “Sure,” I said. She then shocked me by asking if sleeping with another woman would make me feel better. She suggested a trial separation where I could “get my mojo back.” Her desperation was becoming insane. I clearly rejected the proposal.
Final Update: Officially Divorced
It’s been a long time. My ex and I have officially split. The days following the finalization, I mourned as if I had lost a loved one. The failure of my marriage hit me hard. My ex now lives in an apartment, a significant downsize that has made her depressed. She still sees a therapist and is committed to her recovery.
This past weekend, I went to supper with the other betrayed spouse. It was solely for companionship, but things grew flirtatious. I’m sorry for the TMI, but the evening ended with fervent intensity. It was, without a doubt, the most amazing sex I have ever experienced. She is a giver, spades above my ex. I had no intention of it going that far, but she was eager, and so was I. Knowing I wasn’t cheating and hadn’t lost my morals made it even more fulfilling. I don’t see our relationship advancing beyond this, but it greatly helped with my remaining self-esteem issues.
My ex still wants a second chance, but I’m moving on. My daughter has had a difficult time with the divorce and her relationship with her mother is strained. She is in therapy, and we are working through it. My son, on the other hand, adores my new girlfriend (the other betrayed spouse).
As for my ex, she still seems to be implying a second try. She and my girlfriend have a tense but civil relationship. The OM is a lost cause. He has a new girlfriend, but his children hate her.
Years later, I can say that my girlfriend and I are doing amazing. I never knew what a healthy relationship looked like until now. The kids are all getting along great. Her youngest even started calling me her stepdad. It’s not a happily ever after, but it’s working out brilliantly. We are performing better than just good. Thank you all for your support.