My sister can’t have kids, but my brother-in-law desperately wants a family with our DNA. Now she wants me to be a surrogate, but since I said no, he’s stalking me until he can get me pregnant.
I (30F) have an identical twin sister; we’ll call her Stacy. Our mother unfortunately passed away during childbirth, and we were raised by our father. Stacy has been married to Jeff for eight years, and I have been in a relationship with Mike for three years.
One thing I’ve always known about my sister is that she wanted to be a mom. Even when we were children, she was always thinking about wedding ideas, nursery themes, baby names, etc. I was always more focused on books and having fun. I am now a flight attendant and am also attempting to become a published author. My sister has never worked. Honestly, when we graduated high school, we went straight to college. She met her boyfriend there, and once she graduated, she became a stay-at-home girlfriend until she became his wife.
I have known for a while that my sister has been trying to become pregnant, unsuccessfully. She has experienced a single miscarriage and has been unable to become pregnant again, despite spending thousands and thousands of dollars on IVF and pretty much anything they could try because she wanted to experience pregnancy. After five years with no success, they have started to discuss other options. My sister isn’t interested in adoption and is very adamant about having a child that has both of their DNA—her words, not mine.
About three weeks ago, she came to my house, and we were hanging out as we usually do, just chatting and watching Modern Family. She told me she had a serious question and needed to ask me while she still had the nerve. It scared me, but then she asked, “Could you be my surrogate?”
I was frozen for a second and asked what she meant. She told me that I knew what a surrogate was; she needed me to be her surrogate.
I expressed that she knew I wasn’t interested in having children. This could definitely be due to how we came into the world, but I’ll be honest and say I have never found the thought of having children appealing in any way. I told her that I would have zero issue with donating my eggs to her—however many she needed, she could have them all—but I could not carry her child.
Upon hearing that, she became enraged. Her face was beet red as she yelled about how it’s obvious how jealous and hateful I am because this is a “small task.” I didn’t want to bring it to her attention, but she has always spoken about having more than four kids. Would the expectation be for me to do this every time? I don’t know.
I’m starting to feel so bad. She ended up telling me, “If you can’t do this one thing for me, how could you ever call yourself my sister?” She broke a picture of us that I have sitting on my mantle and stormed out.
Since then, she’s only texted me pictures of her diaries from when we were kids and all of her vision boards, saying that I’m stopping her from creating a family for no reason and that I should think about the bigger picture. My boyfriend refuses to give me advice, saying that it’s my sister and he doesn’t feel comfortable attempting to sway me in either direction because it’s such a touchy subject. Honestly, this is the longest I’ve ever gone without communicating with my sister, and I am seriously on the verge of giving in.
Am I wrong for not wanting to be a surrogate for my sister?
UPDATE 1
I am reading all the comments, and I want to say thank you so much. I feel so much better knowing I’m not the villain, but I would be lying if I said I am not leaning towards just doing it. This disconnect with my sister brings me immense discomfort in ways I cannot verbally express. But I see two frequent questions I want to answer to hopefully get different responses.
1. Money: My mother did not die of natural causes; it was due to provider error. My father sued the hospital, and my sister and I have sizable trusts from that money. So money is not an issue for either of us, and her husband is financially well off as well. Not working for nine months or paying for the egg retrieval process, etc., isn’t an issue in any way. It’s more about her stubbornness for the baby to share our DNA and for one of us to be carrying it.
2. “If she can’t have a baby, how can I?”: Her inability to have a child is due to a car accident we were in, which is also the cause of the miscarriage she experienced. Since she was in the front seat with our father, they took the brunt of the crash. Unfortunately, her body is now unable to carry a child, and she has had extreme complications with egg retrieval. I’m not sure about the details of how that has gone wrong, just that it is not working and is not an option. It is hard to get her to discuss non-viable options so I can gain a better understanding.
3. “Doctors will not allow me to be a surrogate due to me not having a child”: Thank you so much for this information. We have a family dinner this upcoming Thursday because we always watch football with our dad and significant others. I’m sure this topic will come up if she decides to attend. I’m hoping I can bring this up to her.
UPDATE 2 (Two Days Later)
So, I promised an update tomorrow, but my dad actually ended up calling me while I was hanging out and told me to come over for dinner last night so we could talk.
I want to start by saying thank you so much for all the comments and advice. Some of you were jerks to not only me but to my sister and boyfriend as well. I still appreciate the help.
I didn’t even ask what it was about when my dad called; I figured he had spoken to Stacy. Based on the comments, I know you guys won’t be happy, but I spoke with my boyfriend about where his head was if I were to go forward with it. He told me that he loved me and would support me through anything and everything, but he would not continue to sit by while my sister made me feel like trash if I was doing this under coercion. He said he wouldn’t be able to support me, which I honestly completely understand.
When we went over to my dad’s for dinner, my sister and brother-in-law were already there. I spoke to them both when we walked in, but only my sister replied. My brother-in-law gave me the most disgusting look and greeted my boyfriend only.
My dad sat us down at the table, and there was just this awkward silence and tension I could cut with a butcher knife. He said, “Somebody talk. We need to get this resolved before the game tomorrow night.” My dad loves football, lol.
I started off a conversation by telling her that I did some research, and on top of my initial concerns, I now had a few more and needed to know exactly what she needed from me. I first asked her what being a surrogate would look like. She just said, “Are you agreeing to it?” When I told her no, I just needed more details, she broke down crying.
I asked her if she knew that a doctor would deny me from being a surrogate given that I’ve never successfully carried a child to term. She said she knew that, and she would just send my brother-in-law and me to a “center of excellence” where we could pretend we’re a couple. Once I’m successfully inseminated, I would request a transfer from that provider to her OB-GYN for the continuation of care.
My father intervened and said that asking me to do something a doctor wouldn’t sign off on was a terrible way to attempt to begin motherhood. You could tell he wasn’t on board with any of it but didn’t want to pick a side. He asked her why she was so uncomfortable with the idea of a traditional surrogate.
That’s when my brother-in-law interjected. “Don’t try to berate my wife with these stupid questions! Talk to your selfish bitch of a daughter about why she can’t help her sister!”
That immediately shifted the mood. My boyfriend started to yell at him for calling me a bitch. My dad told him he could not disrespect his daughters in his home. Everything just went up in flames. My sister was crying, asking me to do her this favor, practically begging.
I told her, “If I could trade places with her, I would, but I’m scared, and I just don’t want to die.” I think that was the first time I had said that out loud, ever.
We couldn’t get anything more resolved after that. My dad asked my brother-in-law to leave because he couldn’t control himself and refused to apologize. When he was walking out, my sister told him she would meet him in the car and asked me to come and talk to her on the porch, just the two of us.
I went out with her, and she apologized for her husband calling me a bitch, saying that they were just on edge and it’s been stressful. I told her that she shouldn’t apologize for him and that we’d figure something out. She asked me to reconsider and just kept saying, “You don’t get it, you don’t understand.”
When I pressured her for more, she admitted that her in-laws made a cruel joke at one of their dinners recently about how she was a “murderer,” referring to the child she lost. She said she asked him why he didn’t stand up for her when they made the joke, and he said, “Because it was true.” He made some weird comments about her not being able to make up for it and how he was so excited to see what their child would look like. He said he would never be able to look into a child and see pieces of them both.
So, she had the idea of me carrying the child, and he was super on board. But the way she said it, it was like he planted the seed and she now believes it was her idea. She said she hadn’t seen him that excited since the baby, and she just needed my help to get everything “back to normal.” I tried to explain to her that nothing would ever be normal again and that what she was trying to do was the wrong thing, but he just started blaring the horn, rushing her to the car. She said she’d call me later.
I feel like I may lose my sister, but I am now not even willing to donate my eggs for her to have a baby with him. I took your advice and looked up the egg donation process, and wow, not at all what I expected. I want her to divorce him. I’m never going to help her procreate with that man. I genuinely think I’d be a surrogate for her to be a single mom before I’d ever allow her to place his child in me or take my eggs to even create a child with him. I had no clue that his family was pushing so much guilt onto her.
I have literally been jumping at my phone every time it rings because I know she’ll be calling soon, and I’ll have to tell her that I’m terrified I’ll lose my sister, but I can’t and won’t do this. Probably won’t update anymore, but thanks for all the help.
UPDATE 3 (One Week Later)
I know I said I wouldn’t update anymore, but so much has happened, and I can’t explain the weird relief I feel typing my madness onto this website. A lot of you suggested that I be more careful around my brother-in-law for fear that he would become violent. I did not listen, and I kick myself now for not doing so. I thought I knew my family well enough and this was just a bump in the road. How extremely naive of me.
My sister called me back the next morning, the day after he called me a bitch, but unfortunately, I missed the call because I was in the shower. When I called back, there was no answer. It was a normal day until we got to my father’s house that night for football. Kickoff had just happened when my sister walked in. She asked my dad if he could come outside and talk to her husband. My dad said no because the game was on, and he could either wait until the commercial break or come in and apologize like a man in front of everyone who witnessed him disrespect me.
She took a breath and told him how he wasn’t being completely fair. She tried to bring up a previous situation, drawing comparisons, and it infuriated my father. He told her that he didn’t raise her to make herself small and weak for a man and said whatever he did that made her think this was how to have a healthy relationship, he was sorry for failing her as a father. Her eyes started to water, and she just stormed out without another word.
When I went out to my car after the game was over, I had two flat tires and a broken front passenger window. My dad put two donuts on the car, used his truck to tow it into his garage, and told me to take his other vehicle. He said he would get the car fixed and I could come and get it whenever I had time, but not to worry. He asked if I wanted to stay the night, but I declined.
I called my sister. She didn’t answer, so I texted her. I said a lot, but for the sake of keeping some of it private, I said, “I can’t believe this is where we are. Loving a man should never call for destroying your family in the process.”
She responded by saying, “That’s the problem. My family is already destroyed, and you aren’t willing to help me put it together.” I tried calling her again after that, but still no answer.
On the drive home, I noticed a car following me. When I got a better view, I realized it was my sister’s mother-in-law’s car. I know this only because she has a very distinct car decal that I have literally never seen anywhere else. I freaked out and called my boyfriend, asking him to meet me back at my place. When I pulled into my driveway, the car pulled in behind me. Luckily, my boyfriend was turning down the street. By the time my brother-in-law got out of his mom’s car and tried to walk toward me, my boyfriend was running out of his car, yelling at him.
Jeff immediately started yelling, “I just wanted to apologize! I just wanted to apologize!” He and my boyfriend got into a small scuffle before Jeff got back into his mom’s car and sped off. He did hit my boyfriend’s car in the process, but it didn’t appear intentional, and his car is still drivable.
After this, I obviously didn’t feel too comfortable at home anymore. I packed a bag and went to my boyfriend’s place and haven’t really been back home since. My dad added a camera and floodlight to the back door and driveway, but I’m honestly not too sure I want to go back, although I know I will have to at some point. Yes, I reached out to my sister, and no, she did not answer or respond all that night or the following day.
After that, I started noticing a red car following me one day and a black one the next. I know you may say I was scared and just imagining it, but I would notice them start driving when I drove to the police station (per my dad’s instruction), only for them to turn off once the station was in sight.
On Sunday, I went to brunch with a few friends to celebrate one’s upcoming wedding and discuss bridal shower details. The waiter came to me and told me my “husband” was up front and that it was an emergency. Thinking it was my boyfriend and that she was just mistaken, I went up to find my brother-in-law.
I approached him, trying not to make a scene, speaking quietly and asking him to leave or I would call my dad. He told me that everything had just gone too far and he just wanted to apologize. We were kind of in the doorway, and it was just awkward with people fiddling in and saying, “Excuse me,” so I suggested we step outside to get out of the way.
When we went outside, he apologized for calling me a bitch and said he didn’t mean it. He told me I didn’t understand how hard it was for him, and I cut him off, saying that how hard it was for him didn’t matter to me because his behavior was becoming too chaotic and abusive, not only toward my sister but to everyone else. He told me that he understood how I could feel that way but asked me to again reconsider. He reached for my stomach, and I instantly stepped back and told him he needed to leave. I said we could set up a time to talk with my dad, but his stalking me was an issue and we could talk later, or I would call the police.
He grabbed a fistful of my hair as I was walking back into the restaurant, saying, “Don’t you f**king walk away from me.” Honestly, I don’t remember much after that. Everything just went really quickly, and a few bystanders got involved. He ended up fleeing before the cops could come. A report was filed.
Two days ago, he tried to come up to my airport terminal, telling them he was my husband and that there was an emergency—same BS as he pulled at the restaurant. He was arrested after refusing to leave. He was, of course, bailed out and has since taken to sending me the most vile messages. My sister did leave him after the show he put on at my job. She is currently staying with our dad but has been asking me to drop the charges, making excuses for him, and has been very adamant that he didn’t “hit” me at the restaurant, despite my literal scalp bleeding from how hard he yanked my hair and the small scratches I have on my neck and arms from him continuing to escalate aggressively when strangers tried to help.
Some of the texts are him telling me the vile things he’s going to do to me, like how he’ll get me pregnant and I’ll be stuck with him for the rest of my life, how he knows that I’m the woman who is going to bring him a son, and if I don’t make it easy for him, we’ll both die before he gives up—just really concerning things. I blocked his number, so all of these are coming from random texting apps. I told the police, and they said there’s no way to prove it’s actually him, so until he acts on it, nothing can be done.
I am literally scared all the time. My boyfriend drives me to work, and on top of the regular precautions I take, I’m doing even more. I can barely sleep now. I send my sister a screenshot every time her husband messages me, and she has taken to no longer interacting. My dad has asked me to stop doing this because it’s beating her down, but I told him that I can’t even believe she defended him during some of this and she needs to see the harassment her husband is committing. I feel defeated. I don’t even know if my sister and I can come back from this.
I feel like I’ve basically taken over my boyfriend’s life and I feel terrible about it. He hasn’t said anything, but his regular gym visits are sometimes cut short if he has to pick me up or drop me off when I have to work or go anywhere else because I’m scared. Being gone for a day due to flights, I know, allows him to do more of his routine, but now we’re basically forced to live together, which I enjoy, but I’m not sure he does. We got into an argument the other day about the AC temperature. I feel like my life is slowly devolving into madness, and I can’t breathe.
UPDATE 4 (One Week Later)
Hi. I don’t really know where to start, but my brother-in-law is stalking me. I don’t want to go down the rabbit hole of why, but he wants me to have his baby. Unfortunately, the story just gets more chaotic.
I had his number blocked, but at the advice of others, I unblocked him due to the police stating that the messages coming in from unknown numbers couldn’t be traced to him. He has sent me a few messages from his actual number, saying that we need to talk and come to an agreement. I, of course, have not engaged. The vile messages from strange numbers have continued. I cannot confirm it, but I always feel like somebody is following me. Going to get my coffee from Dunkin’, I feel like the blue car is following me. I’ve gotten to the point where I’ve actually taken a leave from work. I have completely abandoned my apartment and moved in with my now-fiancé.
I ran into him a few days ago while grocery shopping. He approached me from behind and rubbed a hand on my back. When I jumped and screamed, attempting to draw attention, he pretended to be confused, throwing his hands up and saying, “I’m sorry! I’ll leave you alone! I apologize!” He seemed so genuine that the witnesses basically accepted his apology on my behalf and sent him on his way. I literally couldn’t even talk, barely able to breathe to even form words outside of, “Someone help!” I felt so helpless.
The next day, my apartment was broken into and completely destroyed. The following day, I got a message from a strange number that read: It’ll only get worse.
I am terrified. My sister is currently living with my dad, and she is positive that it’s not her husband. She said things went too far and he’s been in contact with her about getting a clear head and being “out of the state” because he feels like he’s been unhinged and needs to re-center. I don’t even know how to convince her that he’s lying. The police seem to refuse to help because he hasn’t “done anything wrong.” I feel like I have to actually die or have him hurt me in a serious way for anything to get done. Please help me. I am currently in the US, so please, if you know of any laws, anything that can help or urge the police to become more helpful, I would appreciate it. I cannot sleep, and I’m coming to the point of simply not wanting to leave my apartment. Please help me.
FINAL UPDATE (Four Days Later)
This has been absolutely insane, but Reddit has a place in my heart forever. I’m going to shorten this as much as I can.
My boyfriend realized I was looking into apartments (I absolutely was going to temporarily rent an apartment, like an idiot) and asked me why. I told him that I felt like he wanted his space back to himself, and he proposed to me the next moment. I’m literally engaged now. I feel a lot better about taking over his apartment, lol.
I posted in an advice subreddit explaining that my brother-in-law was escalating. He approached me in a grocery store (unfortunately, I did not do well standing up for myself there, not my best moment). He broke into my home, did some damage in my bedroom, and broke a few things in my kitchen (he knows I love mugs and my espresso machine). No, I wasn’t there, and yes, cameras were installed afterward. I took a leave of absence from work and basically stayed holed up in my fiancé’s apartment.
My sister had been ignoring my texts and not engaging with me until I got a random call. When I answered, she was on the phone, sobbing. I asked her what was wrong, thinking something had happened to our dad. She explained that she had been following her husband and knew he was following me. She said she was telling me because she went to the police, and they explained they were sending someone out to talk to me. We sat on the phone for five hours. She explained that after the hair-pulling incident, her “light bulb went off,” and she went into investigative mode. She said it got to the point where she was concerned for my safety, which is why she decided to go to the police.
She apologized for putting so much pressure on me. She said that while she would like to blame it on her husband, a tiny piece of her was actually shocked I said no. She explained that the DNA aspect doesn’t matter to her; it was my brother-in-law that insisted on it, and she just wanted her family to be whole. She will be staying at my home with me temporarily until the divorce is final and the dust has settled. I’m sure he won’t make the divorce easy, but they do have a prenup, so it shouldn’t be too difficult.
Side note: I did find out after my father slipped and shared that my sister actually has proof her husband burglarized my home. She apparently held on to the information because she “needed to decide the right thing to do.” He said that when she told him, he told her she didn’t have a choice and made her go immediately. She apparently didn’t put up much of a fight. My dad said he feels like she just needed someone to actually say it to her for her to get it, but I’m not 100% sure how I feel about this. I’m happy that she made the right decision in the end.
The police came to my fiancé’s apartment the next day. They took my statement and explained to me that they wanted to have an agent patrol me for a day in an unmarked car, and if he followed me, he would be arrested. They didn’t inform me what car was following me but did say that it would be happening immediately, so if I felt I was being followed, not to panic.
Basically, he was literally caught within two hours of me leaving my fiancé’s apartment. We went on a date, and as we pulled into the third location, he was pulled over and arrested. I drank more margaritas than I should have that night at the restaurant. The detective did tell me I would be getting a call from the DA’s office, which I assume will be tomorrow. Honestly, based on how this has all gone, I doubt they’ll hold him accountable much, but I am hoping that with them having his phone, there is physical proof that he was sending me the texts, which will add to his punishment.
I have my first flight back at work this week, and I’m so excited to be back to my regularly scheduled program. Today’s football games were amazing, and I was able to watch them with my sister, my dad, and my fiancé.
I hope I don’t have another reason to update this ever. Thank you all so much.