I’m 33 now, but this all went down about eight years ago when I was 25. It’s hilarious to see this post getting shared again because it’s from such a different, more naive, time in my life. A lot of you who are finding this now have pointed out that the “3-day update” was a massive red flag, and let me just say: your instincts are 100% correct.
I’m happily married now, to a wonderful man who is my true equal and partner. But seeing this old post dredged up makes me realize I should probably tell the whole story, including what happened in that “month-ish after” and why that book was such a perfect, glaring warning sign that I was too young and on the rebound to see clearly.
For those just joining, here is the original post I made when I was 25 and still trying to make excuses for a man who, it turns out, wasn’t a feminist at all.
ORIGINAL POST (8 YEARS AGO)
I (25F) am really struggling with this and I don’t want to hurt my boyfriend’s (37M) feelings. I met him in our master’s program at our university. He was in the cohort ahead of me, smart, witty, and incredibly respectful. We became friends over this past year, and our friendship was amazing. He identifies as a proud feminist, and he was one of the few men in the program who actively engaged in discussions about gender theory and systemic inequality. He treated me, and all the women in our cohort, as true equals.
We started dating about two months ago, and things got serious pretty quickly. It just felt right. Now, I’ve just left the state for a three-month summer internship, and before I left, he gifted me a book to read, saying it was one of his all-time favorites and he really wanted to share it with me.
The book is A Spell for Chameleon by Piers Anthony, a fantasy novel from the 70s. I knew nothing about it. I was just touched by the gesture. I started reading it on the plane and… oh god. I literally began laughing within two pages because of how ridiculous the writing was, especially about women.
We video chatted after I got through the first chapter, and I tried to respectfully explain my doubts. I was gentle, I said, “Wow, this is a real product of its time, isn’t it? The way it talks about women is pretty wild.”
He just laughed and said I was being too critical. He made a deal with me. He knows I’m a massive Harry Potter fan (like, “read the series 12 times” fan). He promised he would finally read the entire Harry Potter series, starting with Philosopher’s Stone, if I just gave his book a fair chance and kept reading. This rocked my world. He was willing to dive into my world, so I felt I had to give his a real shot. I was suddenly motivated.
Well, I’m on Chapter 3 now, and I cannot stand this book. It is, without exaggeration, one of the most sexist and misogynistic texts I have ever had to read in my life, and it honestly just makes me feel like crap.
It’s not just the sexism, it’s terribly written. Painfully spoon-feeding obvious symbolism, excessively throwing in random fantasy creatures that do nothing for the plot. The protagonist, Bink, is a complete dill-hole that I could not care less about. As a reader, I have zero desire to follow him or anything in the fantasy world of “Xanth.”
But, of course, flat-out telling my boyfriend that about a book he supposedly enjoys would be hurtful. He has every right to have different preferences.
I am just… shocked that he would recommend such a book to me. He is such a respectful and educated man. He always treats me so well. This recommendation was completely out of left field. Does he not remember how deeply hurtful the author’s writing on women is? Is it possible he read it at a young age, like 13, and has since grown, but the nostalgia is blinding him?
I can’t expect him to hold his end of the bargain and read Harry Potter (which is fine, honestly, especially if it means not having to put myself through Piers Anthony’s poor excuse for writing ever again).
I really like this guy. A lot. How do I respectfully tell him why I cannot and will not invest any more of my time in this book? It’s important to me that he understands the negative messages this book is sending, but I want to do this without insulting his taste or making him feel at fault.
EDIT TO ADD EXAMPLES (BECAUSE IT’S THAT BAD):
For those asking why it’s so horrible, here are just a few PG examples:
- Example 1: “I like beautiful girls,” he said. “And I like smart girls. But I don’t trust the combination. I’d settle for an ordinary girl, except she’d get dull after a while. Sometimes I want to talk with someone intelligent, and sometimes I want to…” he broke off. Her mind was like that of a child; it wasn’t really right to impose such concepts on her.
- Example 2: “That’s the point,” he said. “I like variety… I would have trouble living with a stupid girl all the time. But you aren’t stupid all the time. Ugliness is no good for all the time… but you aren’t ugly all the time, either. You are variety… and that is what I crave for the long-term relationship, and what no other girl can provide.”
- Example 3: “All women are the same inside. They differ only in appearance and talent. They all use men.”
- Example 4: The entire “rope trial” in Chapter 3 where the female protagonist’s intelligence is literally measured by how well she submits to being tied up in an elaborate, suggestive way.
- Example 5: “Other girls managed to enhance their appearance by cosmetics or padding or specialized spells… But beside Sabrina, all other females looked somewhat artificial. She was… ‘no-enemy’.” (Yes, that’s what he calls her.)
- Example 6: “There was much more of her he longed to see, and to touch, but that could come only after marriage. She was that sort of girl, and it was part of her appeal. The girls who had it didn’t need to put it on casual display.”
It’s just… page after page of this. Help.
PG 3 UPDATE (3 DAYS LATER)
(This was the original update I posted, back when I was still hopeful.)
I went through every comment and took them all into consideration. Thank you all so much for your thoughts and validation!
We video chatted the other night, and the topic of the book came up. I was so nervous, I’d rehearsed what I was going to say. I started by just saying, “Hey, I like you a lot, and I really, really appreciate how much you’re willing to share the things you love with me…”
He immediately caught on to my “gentle lead-in” tone and started laughing. “You hate the book, don’t you?”
I was so relieved I just started laughing too, and I realized how silly and small of a thing this all was. I guess I was just so in my head and didn’t want to risk hurting his feelings over a stupid book.
When the reason why I didn’t like the book came up, I explained it, just as many of you suggested. I used the “I-statements.” I said, “Look, I know it’s a classic fantasy, but I felt really uncomfortable with the way women were portrayed. It just made me feel like crap.” I gave him a few of the examples I listed above.
He totally understood. He was actually a little embarrassed and said, “Oh my god, you’re right. It’s been at least a decade, probably more like fifteen years, since I actually read it. I think I just remembered the ‘fun puns’ and the ‘adventure’ and completely blocked out the… well, the horrifying misogyny. Yikes. I can absolutely see where you would feel uncomfortable. I’m so sorry I recommended it.”
He said he’ll still consider reading the first Harry Potter book, since I gave his book a chance. And, as he’s a single dad, his kids also like the series, so he said it would be a great chance for him to connect more with them. (This is the part that made me melt.)
I ended by saying that I hope this doesn’t discourage him from sharing more things he likes with me. He said, “If anything, it encourages me to find more that you’ll actually appreciate.”
Cue heart flutters. Thanks, Reddit, for helping me navigate this!
NEW UPDATE (8 YEARS LATER – NOVEMBER 2025)
Hi. It is hilarious that this post is being shared again, because it’s from such a completely different time in my life. I’m 33 now, and reading my 25-year-old self’s “heart flutters” makes me want to reach through time and give her a hug and a strong cup of coffee.
First, to everyone who read the original post and thought, “Girl, run,”… Your instincts were 100% right.
That relationship lasted for about a month, maybe a month-and-a-half, after that “happy” update. The whole thing was a false start.
I was on that summer internship, and soon after our chat, I was offered an incredible opportunity to extend my stay and study abroad for a few months. I was ecstatic. I called him, expecting him to be thrilled for me. He… wasn’t.
It became very clear, very quickly, that he didn’t want a “deep” relationship at all. He wanted a convenient one. He dodged any and every conversation that required real vulnerability. He’d get visibly annoyed when I called him stressed from my internship, once saying, “I just miss the ‘100% perky’ you.”
That line hit me like a ton of bricks. It was the same energy as the book. The protagonist in Chameleon didn’t want a complex woman; he wanted “variety” that suited his moods—sometimes smart, sometimes simple-minded. My “feminist” boyfriend didn’t want a real, 25-year-old woman dealing with a high-stress internship; he wanted a “perky” girl who was always happy and available for him.
I also, as I mentioned in the 8-year-old update you’ve seen, had a really rough breakup before I met him. I wasn’t just on the rebound; I was basically airborne. I was so desperate for someone kind and “stable” (or so I thought) that I wasn’t making the best judgment calls. I was ignoring red flags left and right because he said the right “feminist” words, even when his actions (like loving that book) were hinting at something else.
I could see a few more things about him that gave me the same concerns as the book recommendation. He was a great “feminist” in a structured academic debate, but in practice? He still seemed to believe, deep down, that women were just… simpler than men. That my stress was “cute drama” and his stress was “real-world pressure.”
So, I called it off. From my dorm room abroad, I told him it wasn’t working.
And… oh my god. He suddenly wanted to make it work. The guy who couldn’t handle a “non-perky” phone call suddenly declared I was the love of his life. And he kept it up for over a year after the breakup. We weren’t even together that long! He would send these long, rambling texts as if we had never ended things. “Hey, just saw this movie, and it made me think of that one conversation we had…”
I would shut it down every time. “Mark [not his real name], we are not together. I’ve moved on. Please respect that.”
He eventually stopped the texts. But to this day, eight years later, I still get occasional notifications on LinkedIn that he has viewed my profile. It’s… creepy.
I’m now happily married to someone my age. We met two years after this whole mess, and he’s my true partner in every sense of the word. (And for the record, he thinks Harry Potter is brilliant and that A Spell for Chameleon is unreadable trash.)
I’m not knocking appropriate relationships with an age gap. I’m good friends with a couple who are 12 years apart and are perfect for each other. But this guy? The 37-year-old who dodged vulnerability, wanted a “perky” 25-year-old, and whose favorite book unironically states “I don’t trust the combination” of smart and beautiful?
Yeah, folks. I dodged a bullet.
Thanks for giving me a good laugh with this flashback. And for anyone in that “heart flutter” phase right now… trust your gut. If the book he gives you says women are all the same and only good for “variety,” believe the book, not his “feminist” self-label.